Ces Abueg
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Ces Abueg's Story
My Dad Took a Gamble
Since I can recommend, my dad had a gambling problem. I think he still does.
Story Tags
lost, gambling, forgiveness, moving on, betrayal, selfishness, clueless, pain
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Since I can remember my dad has had a problem with gambling. And I still believe it to be true to this day. I hope I'm wrong, but all the signs are there.
When I was around 4 or 5 yrs. old, my dad brought us all to the track, but since He couldn't take us in, he left us all outside. There was 4 of us total inside a big van. We didn't want to just stay inside so we popped opened the back door and hung our little feet while one of us kept an eye out for dad. He wouldn't want us outside or have the doors opened.
Later that day my mom was furious. My parents fought a lot and often because of his gambling problem.
This sickness eventually took a toll and my dad ended up selling every thing in the house that was worth selling, things of ours that mattered.
After my parents got divorced my dad sold our house to pay off debts and continue his habit. The money was all gone of course within a week.
All of the us siblings got separated as a result of that. I went to my grandparents, on my father's side. My older brother went to my uncle, my older sister who was just 13 at the time got pregnant and eloped with her boyfriend. And the youngest of us, Chris, went with my dad, and his new family. He found someone to enjoy his habit with.
Some say gambling is not a problem, it's just when everything else in life becomes unimportant and gets shoved to the side, where things get ugly.
Yeah, it was hard not growing up with a father. And a mother. Just with 2 angry grandparents who have no one to lash their frustration and disappointments to, because Dad keeps borrowing money.
I remember waiting each day for him to come back and take me away. Each visit was another promise broken. And leaving off was a treasure sold off, to be replaced with round colorful chips that stack high and low.
As a child I remember feeling not wanted or undeserving, I was of course the blacksheep of my brothers and sister. I had poor grades, hardly did my chores, and had only talents that interested only myself. Many times I found myself crying to sleep, drowning in tears, asking God, to take me away.
You ever felt let down by someone? Of course you have. Everyone has been let down by someone they cared about it sometime or another. Or that you feel that some things that go wrong in your life is a result of what you did or didn't do. If I was a better child could this have been avoided? If I just listened and obeyed.
I remember telling my dad oneday that I could make some money and help him out with paying the bills and support the family. He eagerly accepted the money. I thought I could earn his love, that I can feel accepted and redeemed somehow. I was wrong.
My need for God was apparent and almost unbearable, but I found relief in other things, temporary things, an illusion and a mist of empty promises and a trail of a more hurtful future.
I've been a follower of Christ since July 17, 2000, and on that day I knew that I had found God, and a lot of my bottled up fear and anger had been released. I felt lighter and more confident.
My family saw the difference immediately, and thought it to be some kind of phase or something.
I can't say I'm completely healed or over all of that, but I do know I'm taking a different approach and perspective on things.
I've also learned that unless I forgive not only myself for thinking that way, then I can start looking at my dad and seeing the truth behind it. And I don't like what I see.
Funny thing is after nearly 15 years of being away, I've heard from him only a few times. Recently is because he was begging for money. He had no job and the money he did have went to some investment deal that went sour. So I rationalized giving him my tithe each month, not realizing that he was just gambiling it away again.
I finally bought a book on how to help my dad because I'm left clueless and torn. Oh I wish he was here so I can help him or see what the real deal is. All I can do is give it to Him who knows all things and is in control of all things according to His will.