megan gregory
megan gregory's Story
Part of My Life - A Roller Coaster
Fear vs. Me
Here's the thing about me: I swim in my worry/stress/fear and feel a lot of times like i am drowning...gasping for air. I strive to be independent b/c thats how i had defined success in my life for so long. I felt like nothing i did was ever going to make a difference like i was useless and therefore helpless. I was and still am very good at hiding this from other people. I come off as overly positive...but alot of times it's just to cover up my fear. I think of that saying from school, "Fake it til you make it!" Thats what i do. I fake that im ok and have it all together but i dont; and i have to keep acting like its all good to deceive others and myself.
I have always known this was an issue for me. I have only been following the Lord for about 2 years now. I grew up trusting God with maybe about 5% or less of my life issues. I knew i had a problem when i got to high school. I would make myself sick for a few days and have to miss school b/c i would be so stressed out.
I dont really know where my fear stems from. Might just be a personality thing. I let my fear control me at times almost every day. Sometimes its about little things, other times its bigger. Of course i try to handle these issues myself. I try to do everything out of my own strength.
So to fix my fear problem i kinda went the total opposite way one summer. I just started trying everything...things that could get me in major trouble with my family, life, friends, future, etc. It was after this summer i realized how un-happy i was. Its like a little voice started going off telling me, "Ok so you have tried all this worldy stuff...so why arent you totally thrilled? Whats missing?!" Looking back now i see how God placed people in my life to answer my questions. Slowly i started to try a new path of trusting God.
It wasnt like i really prayed a whole lot about it. I almost wanted God to just leave me alone b/c i didnt want Him to look at me....to see who i had become. I kept feeling it though...thru conversations, movies, music, when i was alone...God was reaching out, as he always had been....this time i just listened.
It has been 2 years and i still feel fear alot. Satan tells me that i dont really know how to trust God and that i never will. As i look back over my 2 year long journey with the Lord, i see thats not true at all. There have been times when i truly did trust God....but im always on the journey of putting more of my life in His hands. Its hard for me to understand how much He loves me at times. Its a roller-coaster.....but i love roller-coasters so its all good!