Control Freak

I had this plan for my life. I wanted everything my way. It was all about me

Story Tags

perfectionism, control, change, doubt, fear, childhood

Explore the Story

• Identity Crisis
• Living to the Fullest
• Twists and Turns
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Forgive and forget?
• Handling the Unknown

Ever since I was a child, I worried about things that kids shouldn't worry about. Finances, terrible things happening to my family or my house, crazy things like that, and just about everything else. I had everything I needed, and life was good. I worried virtually without reason. When I was in middle school I was a cheerleader for a football team. We had to be there one hour before game time or we had to sit out the first half. I could not be late. In addition to being a worrywart, I am a perfectionist. I gave my dad the hardest time on the way to the games, especially the away games, complaining that I was going to be late. Without getting upset, each week he’d ask me, “Have I ever made you late before?” and I’d answer, “No, but…” In three years I never sat out a minute. I thought by worrying about things I could somehow control them, and the things I could control I certainly did. In school, I made excellent grades, I wanted to be perfect. Even my prayers were selfish, I tried to be in control by asking God to give me my every wish and command.

Seeking to be in control landed me more out of control than I had planned for. But not willing to admit this, I learned to justify or ignore the things that were wrong with my life. Despite my best efforts I was far from perfect. Just after my junior year of high school God got a hold of my heart and I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and 'gave up control of my life to Him.' Clearly God was more qualified to run my life than I was... I mean, He created me, yet still I strived to control and manipulate things so that they would work out just the way I wanted them to. Perfect.

I had this plan for my life. I wanted everything my way. It was all about me.

The worst part was now, even though I knew the truth that God is in control, Not only was I trying unsuccessfully to be in control of my own life, but also of my sister's. I was not loving her for who she was because she wasn't exactly who I wanted her to be. She was so forgiving every time I treated her like crap for just being herself, and by the way she is awesome. This was hard to accept, I couldn't really be doing this, could I? Now, overwhelmed, I knew for sure I hadn't really given up control of my life to God though I had claimed to.

If I hadn't realized that I have no reason to boast, I can do nothing of value on my own, I can never be perfect, and I am certainly no better than anyone else; I would have continued to struggle through life and missed out on the freedom that is found in surrendering my life to the Sovereign God of the Universe, who 'works all things for the good of those who love Him' (Romans 8:28).

God has since done more than I could have ever imagined in my life. He has worked out circumstances and changed my heart in ways that I would never have done on my own. Things that weren't a part of 'my plan for me' but that were a part of 'God's plan for me,' like not knowing exactly what I'll be doing when I graduate from college have given me opportunities to Trust God and grow in my faith in Him. He is the One who is in Control.

Still, I struggle with the temptation to take back parts of my life and convince myself of the lie that I can do things better than God. But I know this isn't true, and as I give up control to Him I see that what He has for me is infinitely better than what I ever wanted for myself. He is the source of joy, love, and every good thing.

He is perfect, I am not. Thank You, Lord, for changing a control freak like me into someone who can attest to Your Amazing Sovereignty.