Search for Significance

Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be at the top of all that I did. I wanted to end life with the most money and the most toys.

Story Tags

dating, identity, relationships, approval, childhood, College

Explore the Story

• Finding True Love
• Identity Crisis
• Craving Acceptance
• Twists and Turns
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Living to the Fullest

Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be at the top of all that I did. I wanted to end life with the most money and the most toys. I worked hard, practiced, did whatever it took to be the best that I could be. If I couldn't do it well, I wouldn't do it at all. Looking back, I realize I did this because I was looking for significance and love. I thought that if I came out on top, I would matter more, and I wanted my life to count.

Growing up, I desperately wanted to be approved of by those around me – friends, parents, teachers, etc. I was easily influenced, and would typically do what they preferred for me to do. If I deviated from their ideas for my life, I did everything possible to not let them know about it. After all, I didn't want anyone to think poorly of me, as that could cause tension in our relationship, or at least be bad for my image. As a result, I let what others thought of me control my life. I wanted to do things well, both to maintain my image and also to feel important and valuable.

One of the hardest times in my life where this reached a climax was when a very serious dating relationship ended, and not by my choice. I was "dumped" on my 20th birthday by the woman I thought I was going to marry. At this point, everything in my life was oriented towards spending every moment – both now, and for the rest of our lives – with her. I transferred to her university, was influenced by her field of study, and even the way she lived.

Even though this felt like a very dark period of my life, if it wouldn’t have happened, I'm convinced that my life would have later fallen apart. I would have married this girl, pursued the "American Dream", made lots of money, and most likely gotten divorced before I was 30 years old. Even though I thought the relationship was so important, looking back, it was shallow. We held very little in common, especially in the spiritual part of life.

During my time in college, I began to understand that I had spiritual needs in my life continued to go unmet. I ended up starting a relationship with God by asking Jesus Christ into my life to be my forgiver and leader. It just so happened, that when my girlfriend broke up with me, I was starting the process of deeply pursuing my spiritual journey, while she was running from it. Because I was so easily influenced by her, I'm sure I would have dropped my relationship with God and poured my life into other things if we had stayed together.

I saw God amidst this tough situation after a long period of reflection – at least six months of asking God why this had to happen. At first, I felt I was being punished, but later I realized that I was actually being rescued from a future that would have been less than God's best for me. My life isn't perfect now, but I am fully confident I am where God wants me - I have a wonderful wife and two children that I adore. This is all icing on the cake compared to what God has done in my relationship with Him - I have grown more and more in my understanding of how I don't deserve what He gives me, but He gives it to me none the less.

My desire to see my life count has continued. When I was younger, it got played out in trying to be the best, or desiring to have the most money, or even letting the opinions of others control how I lived. But now, in my relationship with God, I see that my life is very significant. It is significant because when God looks at me, He does not judge me for who I am and what I have done, but, rather, he sees who Jesus is and what Jesus has done. I, and anyone who has made a decision to allow Christ into their life, enjoy this luxury. Because of this, what God thinks of me is immeasurably more important than any thought that would float through the heads of people around me.

As for my life really counting, I have opportunities to interact with people all the time, helping them understand more about how God can meet them right where they are in life. Amidst life’s pain and joy, I have learned that Jesus can be my hope and strength, as well as theirs. I can't think of anything more significant that I would want to do with my life.