Losing Everything

There is no greater high point then realizing that you are loved unconditionally and forever.

Story Tags

suicide, identity, depression, approval, drinking

Explore the Story

• Twists and Turns
• Where's God in suffering?
• Identity Crisis
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Craving Acceptance
• Finding True Love

Something was missing from my life. I had lost my "everything", or so it seemed. Nothing was worth waking up in the morning. The days went by in a blur, all mixed into one huge disaster of a life. I hurt, I cried everyday. I thought no one could understand my pain. Life had no real meaning, so what was the point of living at all. Each day I wanted to be my last.

Because of this, I isolated myself. No one talked to me and I talked to no one. I had no desire to be with other people. My own despair became my comfort. My parents had no idea how desperate I was for love and how unwilling I was to ask for their help. I almost failed out of High School, which was a shock because I was ALWAYS the "good kid". I never had problems, never was depressed, always the light in the darkness. I do not see how people saw that person anymore. I was dead inside.

Then I hit rock bottom. I found solace in alcohol and attention from anyone who would give it to me. Complete strangers seemed to be my best friends. They listened when I told them I was lonely, they helped me down bottles of alcohol. They wanted to "love" me. For a brief second I was on top of the world. Someone "loved" me, if only for an hour. When the guilt and despair kicked in again, I don't think I saw the light of day for a week. Nothing mattered. Everyday I thought of new ways to end my life. Everyday I cried because of my mother, my grandmother. What would they do? The idea of them hurting killed my soul even more. I was stuck between of life in pain and death with greater pain.

When GOD has a plan, He has a plan. I was accepted to Florida State University and hoped to begin a new life. One of praties and boys and alcohol, because that is what made everyone happy...right? Instead of going out to a party my first night in my dorm, GOD led me to a Bible Study sponsered by Campus Crusade for Christ. I stumbled by and was intrigured. From that night I met Heather who soon began to meet with me and talked to me. I was surprised that someone I did not know cared so much. Soon she asked what was holding me back from letting Jesus into my heart. At that point everything made sense. The true desires of my heart were not for parties or boys, it was for the never ending, long enduring love of GOD. If Heather or someone like her had not entered into my life, I most likely would be found passed out on the floor of someones house with a bottle in one hand and no idea where I was.

GOD intervened that one morning at a local coffee house. He showed up in the form of a prayer. A prayer of forgiveness, grace and love and the Holy Spirit. I had never known of a love like that of GOD. Everything I ever wanted was in Christ; love, acceptance, someone to listen, a place in life. A family was waiting for me. I knew from this point on that the whole in my life would be filled. All it took was someone to tell me, I just had never asked before. Even though I thought I was a horrible person, GOD sees me a His child!

My greatest joy since I accepted Christ is that I am loved. I do not have to look in the mirror and say I am not worth it. I know that GOD sees me as a beautiful person. That I do have a purpose and that purpose is greater then I ever could imagine. I do not have to look for love in all the wrong places like alcohol and men. I can find it on every page of the Bible. I can find it on every person, that no matter what GOD loves me and everyone else. There is no greater high point then realizing that you are loved unconditionally and forever.

Although I know I am loved, other parts of my past seem to come into my life at times. I struggle with alcohol at times, longing for that one beer with my friends. But since I have accepted Christ, the urge to drink has diminished. I can find my solace in fellowship and my new brothers and sisters in Christ. I have such a joy, even on those rainy days that no one seems to like. With Christ in my life I can wake up everyday knowing that I have a purpose. A purpose that only He knows but that is revealed to me daily. My life is now complete.