Love Unlimited for Me Unworthy

I remember praying every night before falling asleep, "God, help me to not care about what others think about me and to care more about what you think about me."

Story Tags

relationships, identity, approval, depression, suicide, death, childhood

Explore the Story

• Craving Acceptance
• Twists and Turns
• Finding True Love
• Identity Crisis
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Where's God in suffering?

I thought my best friend was so cool that I wanted to be just like her; she even drank and smoked weed at only 13!! I didn't think people liked who I was so I wanted to be someone else. I felt I had to prove myself to others in order to gain their acceptance. I thought I had to be "just a nice girl" so no one would have a reason to not like me. But when I heard that Angie and her friends thought I was annoying... well that only solidified it in my mind that I was unworthy of anyone ever loving me.

Because of this, I started to be depressed inside. I felt so alone and broken. I never contemplated suicide but I thought about death and if anyone would come to my funeral. I tried to continue the nice girl image on the outside but inside I was really hurting.

The hardest parts continued into my freshman year of high school. Sometimes I had urges to hurt myself and I remember trying to throw up my food in the bathroom at school simply becuase I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I just couldn't believe I was worthy of love so I desired to hurt myself physically. I thought bulemia would physically validate the emotional pain I felt. I would sit in my room alone after football games and look through the program at all the cheerleader's pictures. Those nights I would cry out loud and tell myself how ugly I was and how nobody really liked me. I wanted to feel accepted and popular. I was so focused on myself and how nobody could really love me.

If I had continued these behavoirs I would have developed full out depression. I never gave into the desires to hurt but sometimes they were so strong that eventually I would have given in to them and developed an eating disorder.

Looking back I can see God working through my situation and calling me to safety. One way is I could never bring myself to throw up my food because of the conviction I felt from the Holy Spirit that it was wrong. God also worked through my friend Monica, who was a Christian. She is the one that told me the truth about my friends in middle school and was willing to counsel me when I needed someone to talk to. My Grandma died in November of my high school freshman year and the idea of death led me to think about what happens after this life. Something (the Holy Spirit) had put a desire in my heart to go to church since the summer before my eighth grade year and a year and a half later I started attending church regularly. At the same time I started to read about the love God had for me in my Teen Study Bible. Through my reading I started to learn about the sacrafice God made for me through Jesus Christ. I realized that I needed to be open to Jesus and let the love of God control my life.

Since I started to understand God's redemption through Christ in my freshman year of high school God has been healing my need for approval and acceptance. He showed me that it isn't all about me, myself, and I. He told me that I can never earn His love by "just being nice" to others but only trusting in Him. When I acknowledged Jesus as my Savior He gave me the gift of His Holy Spirit which has given me stregnth.

My life has been different ever since. I remember praying every night before falling asleep, "God, help me to not care about what others think about me and to care more about what you think about me. Help me to remember that your love is all I need." And He answered my prayers. Going to college has been a struggle because it brought up a lot of my insecurities that I hadn't let God heal in high school. But He is faithful even when we are not and although I often listen to my lies He is always there to remind my of His truth. I know that being nice won't save me and neither will the acceptance of people. God has shown me that my true personality comes from Him. He is the one who formed me and He is molding me into the woman of integrity He created me to be. And that is a beautiful thing.