Utopia Crashing Down

It was only at this point of total desperation that I found myself humbly on my knees before God, yearning for His comfort. The Sunday school truths finally became real and applicable.

Story Tags

bitterness, traumatic experience, cancer, overwhelmed, approval

Explore the Story

• Where's God in suffering?
• Craving Acceptance
• Twists and Turns
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Finding True Love

Growing up as a pastor's daughter meant morning prayer and Bible stories; however it was my Dad's genuinely passionate relationship with God that ultimately led me to make Jesus my personal Savior. At that point my world was flawless. The christian lifestyle seemed to fit my personality, and I rarely fought the 'good girl' reputation.

It wasn't until I was in 8th grade that my utopia came crashing down. My older brother, who was invincible in my eyes, was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Amputation of his index finger, radiation, and a year of chemotherapy (which is really medical terminology for countless IVs, hair loss, extreme weight fluctuation, lots of throwing up, and the inability to get out of bed for days on end) followed this diagnosis. Thankfully my brother survived. Seeing the futility of life through that year changed my perspective completely.

This experience prompted me to emotionally grow up quickly. In my mind, and heart, I began to set myself apart from my friends. Outwardly I continued to put up the ‘I’ve got it all together’ façade, but inside I was tormented with loneliness. My friends, even my best friends, never knew the extent of my pain. I didn’t want to tarnish the good Christian image I had created. Endless nights were spent sobbing into my pillow and crying out to God in anger, resentment, bitterness, and frustration. I felt like I had messed up everything He had created me to be; I was disgusted with myself, and convinced that no one could, or should, ever love me. I masked my hurt with boyfriends and selfishly drew my self worth from them.

The accumulation of all this hurt finally exploded in the first semester of my sophomore year of college. My grades were dropping, I had gained weight, the majority of my friendships were superficial, I had broken up with the only guy that I thought would ever be able to put up with my instability, and I felt like I had let everyone down. It was like being stuck in an endless black tunnel.

It was only at this point of total desperation that I found myself humbly on my knees before God, yearning for His comfort. During that stage, I began to see myself through God’s eyes as opposed to the eyes of the world. The Sunday school truths finally became real and applicable. God created me uniquely, with purpose. He has hand-crafted me with gifts and abilities so that I may fit into the destiny that He has prepared for me. I have never, and will never be alone. He provides true joy, contentment, and peace. His love for me is infinite. Life is futile, and without God, it's hopeless.

The façade is gone, and I will not pretend that life is always wonderful. However these truths have established the firm foundation of the fulfilled life that God intends for us all.