Freshman Spiral

Bummer experiences my freshman year brought me to the God who is in control.

Story Tags

band, doubt, overwhelmed, College, depression

Explore the Story

• Forgive and forget?
• Living to the Fullest
• Identity Crisis
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Where's God in suffering?

Finally - I had arrived at college! On my own at a great school for mechanical engineering, I was ready to be a success. But for the first time, I started to struggle with classes, with time, with grades. I was on academic probation. I lost my honors scholarship. There was confusion about my housing contract and I didn't have anywhere to live at school next year. Nothing seemed to be working out. I tried harder to take control of the situation, but things only got worse.

I started to have a lot of questions, a lot of doubts. I've never failed in school before - why is it happening now? I had worked to get a scholarship for college - now how am I going to pay? I don't have a place to stay next year, and I'm not even sure the paperwork is in place for me to be enrolled. Will I even be able to go back? Should I go back? All throughout high school I felt like I had to achieve some degree of success for my parents and others to accept me. I had straight-A's; I played sports for a long time; I was in band; I had other extracurricular activities; I did the church youth group thing. And now I've brought this mess upon myself. What will my parents think?

All of these doubts put me under a lot of stress. I tried harder, I tried to make things better, but I was only burning myself out. But I refused to give up - If I keep trying, I can still pull this off. I read a lot of the Old Testament that summer, and relating to the struggles of Isaiah and Jeremiah was about the only thing that kept me sane. I was able to travel to Virginia Tech to straighten out my enrollment and find an apartment, just two weeks before the semester began. Finally, things were looking up.

I came back on campus shortly after for band camp, to once again be a member of the Marching Virginians. The MVs were a huge part of my freshman year, and one of the few things I succeeded at. It is a great group to be involved in, almost like family. But the weekend before school started up, after several days of tryouts in blistering August heat, I found myself cut from the band. All of the old doubts were coming true again. Needless to say, the long, rainy, 2-mile walk back to my apartment (with saxaphone in hand) was an unpleasant one. Can't I succeed at anything? What am I going to do?

I wanted to take control of the situation, to make things right again. If I just try a little harder... But if I continued down that path for another semester, I was going to wind up frustrated, angry, and burnt out. I knew how this was going to play out - I had just lived it the previous year, and it wasn't pretty.

As I started to get depressed about where my path had taken me, I started to think more about my buddy Jeremiah from the Old Testament.

"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own, it is nor for man to direct his steps. Correct me, Lord..."

"Cursed is the man who trusts in man... But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord.... [He] does not fear... has no worries... never fails..."

"You came near when I called you, and you said, 'Do not fear.' O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life."

On and on it went. I started to realize that I was fighting a battle I could never win. I can't have control of everything, and I can't survive placing my trust in man (especially a man like me). I couldn't take it anymore, so I just gave up. I gave my control over to God. Something inside me was gently urging me that this was the best thing to do.

Things didn't change for me right away. I still had to find a roommate to offset my expenses. I still had to struggle with academics. But I wasn't alone. I got plugged into an awesome Bible study and made lasting relationships with a great group of guys. I went through an amazing course dealing with the struggles men face, and found a strong group of brothers at my side. I got serious about prayer, and started fighting my battles on my knees. But best of all, I had "the Lord... with me like a mighty warrior." I don't have to worry about everything or be a "success" or being in control. God accepts me for who I am, as I am. He knows my plight, he hears my cry, he heals my wounds and he gives me the strength to carry on.

Looking back, I notice something about the problems I had that first year of college. I still don't have a very good GPA, but I am able to continue my studies as a mechanical engineer. Somehow, I have managed to pay for college so far. I found an awesome roommate, and he's been an amazing friend to me ever since. My year away from the Marching Virginians made me realize how much I missed it - I'm now back in the MV's, and haven't taken it for granted since. I went back home and had my first meaningful conversation with my dad - now I never doubt whether my parents accept or love me. It's funny how things worked out.

Life is better, but it's not perfect - far from it, in fact. I still struggle with academics, with finances, and with control. But now I know I don't have to fight these battles on my own. I have a group of brothers that are there for me. And I know that whatever happens, I have a Father that accepts me for who I am. I will always have to deal with problems, but I don't have to deal with them alone. I have a hope that was missing before. I'm finally losing control.