Angry at God

On the outside I would seem very secure and loved but that all changed when I started believing that I am not as cared for as I once thought, that I do not matter to the people around me and their friendship is merely a gesture of obligation.

Story Tags

approval, identity, suicide, loneliness

Explore the Story

• Craving Acceptance
• Twists and Turns
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Finding True Love
• Identity Crisis
• Where's God in suffering?

I am often asked the question; "what is your worst fear?" I used to answer that my worst fear is heights. But lately, my quick reply to this question is one word: Loneliness. Over the past two years I have gone through some pretty intense periods of loneliness. Even though I am very involved in school, ministry, and church, my sophomore and junior years of college have ended leaving me pretty depressed and hopeless. I have always had many friends and a loving and supportive family. On the outside I would seem very secure and loved but that all changed when I started believing that I am not as cared for as I once thought, that I do not matter to the people around me and their friendship is merely a gesture of obligation.

I was convinced that no matter how much my friends acted the opposite, they really did not enjoy my company. There were times I was unincluded and I thought it was because I was not fun or enjoyable as a person. I cried a lot during this time, felt that I could not talk to anyone about it because anyone I could think of to talk to would think i'm such a self-pitier and brush it off as not as big of a problem as I felt it was. I honestly did not know what to do, so I would sit in my room alone a lot and cry or avoid hanging out by sleeping or doing homework.

If I had continued to dwell on my loneliness, I would have let it control many more aspects of my life. I was tempted to be less involved, avoid being around people. I was also tempted to drop out of school or find my security only in my boyfriend who was the one person that I knew cared for me and listened. I really just wanted to prevent myself from being hurt which meant closing off the outside world.

I finally told both a good friend and my bible study leader what I was dealing with. They spoke truth to me about how they view me as having worth to them personally, encouraged me and prayed for me. I needed to hear these words so badly. I also read some good stuff about loneliness and not letting it turn into self-pity. I remembered that Jesus faced loneliness and could understand what I was going through. I became open to how God was going to use this tough trial for good.

I can now see so clearly that God allowed me to experience the harsh reality of loneliness because there are so many that face this struggle. When I looked away from myself and focused on using my situation to help others, it was like I had new eyes for the world around me. I am so much more in tune to people suffering like I suffered only because God allowed that suffering to happen. Even though it was so hard, I am so thankful that I can now understand and help the lonely.

Loneliness will always be a weakness for me. I can remember experiencing bouts of it when I was very young, in high school, and I still sometimes do. But I now know that it can be used instead of abused. Jesus experienced loneliness on earth and especially on the cross because He knew how many would need his empathy in this area. Likewise, He has helped turn my loneliness into a blessing for others.