Ryan Felts
Ryan Felts's Story
Unexpected Death
Searching for acceptance and meaning in the face of tragedy.
Growing up the middle of three boys, I felt that I always had to go out of my way to get attention. I always wanted to fit in with the older kids that my older brother hung out with, and wanted to be that cool older brother that my little brother's friends looked up to. As I grew up, I continued to seek acceptance and popularity from the older kids. I wanted to belong to the crowd, and I wanted to follow in my older brothers footsteps, yet still be my own person. As I entered high school, acceptance from others became a focal point in my life.
Because of this, I frequently found myself doing things that I did not want to do. I found myself at parties, surrounded by alcohol and drugs. Despite the fact that I hated the taste of alcohol, I found myself drinking to impress the older, "cooler" kids. As I continued to give into these things seeking acceptance I began to lose my sense of self identity. I felt that I no longer was my own person, but someone who strived to please and be accepted by others.
This continued all through freshman year and most of sophomore year. It most likely would have continued longer if I had not had my life rocked by the sudden and unexpected death of my grandmother. At only 57, she died while undergoing a very routine surgery. I can remember walking into the hosptial with my mom and into the room where my dad and grandfather were. It was the first time I had ever seen my grandfather cry. I could feel the weight of sadness and despair upon my shoulders as I walked into the room. Returning home from the hospital, I retreated to my room to try to make some sort of sense out of this madness.
I felt so unimportant and forgotten in the world. I felt as though God had totally forgotten about my family and that He didn't care about our well-being. I was unable to see how God was in control in this situation. With my parents so understandably distraught by the situation, I felt as though I had no one to turn to. That is where my relationship with God became real to me for one of the very first times.
As I sat on my bed that April day, I began to look through The Bible to try to find direction and meaning for what was going on. I began to read of how God has an awesome plan for my life and how He always has my best interests at hand. I had read the Bible countless times before, but never had the words seemed so real and so promising as that day. I knew that through the relationship that I had with Jesus Christ, that I could always have a hope beyond what went on in my life. I could always find a friend to turn to in the middle of trials. I had found all of the acceptance and meaning in life through the relationship that I had with God.
My life has not been perfect in anyway. I continually go through trials and temptations in my life. I experience all of the pain and joy that any normal college age student experiences. The difference that Christ has made in my life has been by giving me a hope and joy outside of the circumstances of this life. I have seen God do amazing things in my life that can only be attributed to His presence in my life.