Betrayed

I often thought to myself, "What now? What do I do now? She made my life so enjoyable. Now what am I supposed to do?"

Story Tags

relationships, betrayal, high school, bitterness, depression, approval, insecurity

Explore the Story

• Craving Acceptance
• Twists and Turns
• Finding True Love
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Where's God in suffering?
• Identity Crisis

My senior year in high school was a good year, yet I had never been in any serious relationship with a girl and that was starting to get to me. I have always struggled with being insecure about myself and being "alone" (as I saw it) wasn't making it any better. Then, I met her. She was essentially everything I wanted in a girl. Man, she was hot, funny, beautiful smile, and best of all, she wanted me. Naturally, we hooked up, and next thing you know, Dustin had a girlfriend. The thing was, from the very beginning, I was totally putting all my hope and life and energy into this relationship. I was putting all of me into something temporal; into something that would fall apart over time and would eventually fail. Earthly relationships don't last forever, you know; yet, I would have to learn this truth the hard way. After about a year and a half I discovered of her complete and utter unfaithfulness to me throughout our entire relationship. So, it ended and there I was, right back where I started from -- lonely and all alone. And to make matters worse, I was incredibly bitter at her. I hated her.

How did this affect me? I'd have to say I had never been so hurt and in so much emotional pain in my life. It struck me straight into my heart, into my motives, into my attitude. I questioned everything that I had and everything that I was. There was just some unexplainable factor about what happened to me that hit me at all of my being. I was hurt. I was hurting. I had been betrayed by someone who said that they had loved me with all of who they were. I had been lied to, time and time again. I was lonely. I was depressed. I mean, she had told me, to my face, "Dustin, you know I would never do something to hurt you" all the time knowing that she was hooking up with other guys when I wasn't around. I was full of hate. But, mostly, I often thought to myself, "What now? What do I do now? She made my life so enjoyable. Now what am I supposed to do?" Beneath all the hatred, bitterness, anger, loneliness, emptiness and sadness was something else. They were mere smoke screens, veiling my eyes to what was really happening: I was looking for satisfaction and significance.

Despite her doing all this to me, I still tried to mend things. We tried to stay together and work things out. I didn't want to throw a year and a half away just yet. I was too attached to her. I had asked her to confess everything to me and tell me about every guy, and she had confessed. I was convinced of her sincerity and that she was completely being honest. Then, I found out that she was still lying to me. There were more guys she had cheated on me with that she said that nothing happened. She was lying straight to my face.... still. That was it. If I was angry before, I was outraged now. I really hated her. I mean, she said she loved me, and all I was getting were lies. How can you do that? How can you love someone and continually lie to them? I thought what we had was true love and now I was so angry because it was nothing of what I wanted. I felt so unloved.

Looking back, if I hadn't trusted in Christ with my life and allowed myself to be utterly submitted to His truth and His Word, honestly, I don't know what would have happened. I mean, I was lonely and depressed, but bitterness ruled me. It was all I could think about. My emotions controlled me and everything I did, said, and thought. It was awful. I didn't know what to think and how to live life now that I didn't have her and now that I was this hurt. I was just a lonely and bitter person. If Jesus hadn't showed up, I would have just stayed like that.

God really hooked me up with a way for Him to get into the story. An awesome friend of mine named Brent invited me to a Bible study and I got involved. I grew up in church, so this wasn't too hard of a decision for me to make. Yet, this time things were different. I saw a reality of Jesus in Brent's life and a joy and a peace that just drew me to him. We went on a retreat and Brent asked me if I wanted to go read the Bible with him, and so I did. We prayed and then started reading. I started reading a book called Ecclesiastes and instantly something nailed my eyes. Ecclesiastes 1:2 says

"Meaningless! Meaningless!

Utterly meaningless!

Everything is meaningless!"

Man, this is exactly how I felt. With what had happened, I felt entirely unloved, and thus I felt as though life were meaningless and lonely; pointless and vain. God instantly spoke to my heart with this, showing me how without Him, life is just that: "Utterly meaningless!" I instantly asked God to come to me. I asked him to come live in me like never before and to just give me something to truly live for.

Seeing God continually love me and comfort me ever since then is definitely an amazing thing. So many times, I still struggle with a feeling of being unloved and loneliness and God comforts me with truth: "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Hebrew 13:5,6). He tells me that these feeling are nothing but lies. God loves me for who I am, not what I do. Better yet, He will always love me. Always.

Amazing. Life since submitting and completely surrendering to God has been joyful and completely satisfying. As for significance, how could someone feel more loved than to know that Jesus came from His throne in heaven down to earth to die on the cross just so that He could be in a personal relationship with me? I am so amazed by this. In fact, I can't even comprehend why He would want to do this for me. Only unconditional love would drive someone to doing that for someone.

I'd have to say a man named Oswald Chambers says it best: "Watch the kind of people God brings around you, and you will be humiliated to find that this is His way of revealing to you the kind of person you have been to Him." You see, I can't be angry at anyone for wronging me, because just as they lie to me and cheat on me and refuse to listen to me, so I do the same to God. What I have experienced with that girl is nothing more than a small taste of what I do to God on a daily basis. Yet, He still loves me! He still sent Jesus to die for me so that we could be in a relationship together. I cheat on God. I lie to God. I refuse to listen to God. How does God respond? He sends Jesus to die on a cross for me. Nothing baffles me more than this.