Acheivement Mountain

My quest to prove my self worth through achievements

Story Tags

comparison, fear, depression, doubt, Sports, acceptance, high school

Explore the Story

• Living to the Fullest
• Handling the Unknown
• Identity Crisis
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Where's God in suffering?
• Forgive and forget?
• Craving Acceptance
• Twists and Turns

High expectations have always haunted me. Even as a young kid I battled with depression. I would get so frustrated with myself whenever something wasn't perfect. I was always upset about my limitations, my physical appearance, and really anything about myself that could be compared to others. I was constantly making those comparisions.

Because of this, I was often times very timid and shy as a kid. I didn't want anyone to discover that I wasn't funny or athletic or cool. These are basic fears any young kid experiences but I experienced them so severely that I would absolutely refuse to take part in activities at school or summer camp. In fourth grade I actually quit eating and became extremely depressed. I received medication for the depression, but the continual feelings of failure always haunted me.

Gradually I worked through some of my fears and found that I could do some things well, so I began to work hard at those things. By the time I entered high school I had begun to concentrate on doing well in the classroom and training for the sport of wrestling. School and wrestling were two areas I really gained a sense of self worth, so in both things I intensely strove to do as well as I potentially could.

At the prep state wrestling tournament my junior year I failed to place, and after losing my last match I found an empty room where I sat and sobbed for a long while. The sense of failure and worthlessness was overwhelming. My life was a pendulum that continually swung from high to low.

If I had continued to live this life of constant drive and need for perfection I would have remained confined to a life of momentary highs and constant bouts with frustration and depression. I would never have been able to begin to look outside myself and truely love others any where near as much as I loved and cared about myself.

The summer prior to my senior year of high school I decided to go on a backpacking trip with Young Life Student Ministries. I didn't go with any of my friends but I didn't care because I enjoy hiking and camping so much. On the trip I was with five other guys, complete strangers but I was suprised by the geniune kindness of these Christian guys. During that 5-day backpack I had the opportunity to share with those guys the very real struggles, mistakes and fears in my life. I was able to tell them about my struggles with lust, my depression, and my insecurities. Although I had grown up a Christian I had never experienced this kind of geniune openness and support. Going back to school was a bit of a downer after the trip, but the experience became a constant reminder of what an awesome life of freedom I now had in Christ.

Although I returned to many of my self-centered ambitions and fears after the trip, God used the experience to change me. At the end of my senior year I defide conventional wisdom by choosing to go to a college far from home where I could have received an equal education for much cheaper and continued to hangout with friends. But for the first time since the backpacking trip I really felt God moving me to go out of state for college. While the adjustment to a new place and new friends was not easy, I have since grown in my relationship with God more than I ever could have imagined.

My college experience has not been an easy one but God has remained faithful to change me. In college I have had to let go of a lot of my previous visions and aspirations that once consumed me, but in exchange I have experienced freedom from the fears and frustration of a self-centered life. I continue to struggle in the areas of lust and pride but it is amazing how much those struggles have consistently decreased throughout my time in college. There is an amazing peace that you experience when such passions begin to fade - you begin to realize how very real and present God is.