Raymond Rose

I was born in Clearwater and I know the area very well. I have driven across the US extensively from Florida to Wyoming to Texas to North Dakota. I've been to almost every state, but I have yet to meet anyone like the people I've met at the Campus Crusade for Christ Tampa Bay. They are unique even amongst Campus Crusade for Christ International.

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Raymond Rose's Story

Life Change

How God is bringing change to the emptiness and futility of my life

Story Tags

relationships, loneliness, identity, suicide, depression

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When I moved back to Florida from Wyoming I was hiding inside myself. I went to church every Sunday, but wasn't overly concerned about anything but staying away from people and keeping them at arms length from me. In high-school I learned that the safest path was to stay in groups with the strongest unapproachable people (Goths), and when I moved back to Florida I practiced the same approach. Keep everyone away, everyone at arms length, nobody touches the heart, my heart, nobody knows the real me. The more people know the real you the more they can hurt you.

Because of this unapproachable attitude, the wall I built around myself slowly grew taller and thicker and I slowly fell into the dark despair of its' shadowy interior. Not only did I keep everyone out, I kept Jesus out. I felt the best way to feel no pain was to feel nothing at all, but sometimes I almost couldn't bear the stark barren loneliness inside. Even then I wouldn't admit to myself why I was feeling this way, I just went to work building the walls taller, adding spikes, closing more of my emotions off from the light of day, closing myself off from Jesus' Love.

The worst part was when I met a wonderful Christian girl from my church who I slowly began to Trust and Love. I saw that neither of us was ready for anything serious so I figured I'd bide my time and just be friends with her. As time progressed, I liked her more and more until one day my best friend called me (he knew I liked her a lot) and told me something was up. I wouldn't believe what he was telling me about her, she wasn't like that, she was a good Christian girl, but we went to a mutual friend's party and it was True, she wasn't a good Christian girl afterall (Ask Me), and I felt betrayed and the walls grew higher and faster than ever before. It seemed the walls had taken on a life of their own, because the habits I had developed in my life served to reinforce the walls I had built.

I joined a fight-club after that. I had to put all my emotions into something or they would burst from me. I fought and lost and won and bled many times. I LOVED it, because I FELT, and that was when I began to get involved with the Campus Crusade for Christ. God showed me how much I missed feeling and He began to change me inside to begin feeling compassion and concern for my brothers at the fight-club. I began witnessing to them, listening to Christian music with them (the free Freshman survival kit cd!!!), trying to be a good example for them, and understand their point of view (many were satanists). I found that no matter what they had turned to (drugs, satanism, ect.), they really weren't very much different from me.

I saw God moving through my life slowly at first and He steadily worked His way into the lives of many of the fight-club brothers. God has slowly healed me and brought me back to Him through encounters with Him everywhere I go, the Campus Crusade for Christ, and the good peer influence that Campus Crusade for Christ provides.

Since I moved back from Wyoming I have seen God change me inside and out. I have realized I can't put Faith in other people's actions or events, but only God's unfailing Love. Even though I still wear a lot of black and it's very hard for me to Trust people, I feel like I am walking with God now and have discussions with Him (usually He's telling me things I don't want to hear and I'm trying to accept it). I know God Loves me and He tells me the Truth because I want to know it even if it is hard to accept at first.

Since I let God behind my walls and began to Trust Him completely I feel whole and I feel like someone is always there for me. It is still a struggle each day, but it is great to have someone who cares and Loves me from the inside out, not the outside in. I still sometimes struggle with loneliness and image, and when I am at my loneliest, that is when I am the best actor, acting like everything is great, when in reality, Truth be told, I am on my knees asking God to fill me with His presence as soon as I get alone with Him (Literally, as soon as you leave the room).

Inside my heart I am outstretched before God, because I know that without God I would be empty and directionless. That's why no matter what happens, I have to Trust God. He is the only one who has Truly always been there for me, even when I have pushed everyone else away God is always there patiently waiting for me to realize that He has never stopped caring.