Cutting

I started cutting myself, prefering the physical pain over the emotional pain that wouldn't go away.

Story Tags

depression, doubt, addiction, College, suicide

Explore the Story

• Identity Crisis
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Where's God in suffering?
• Forgive and forget?
• Living to the Fullest
• Twists and Turns

Ever since my sophomore year of high school, I knew that I was going to attend the University of Tampa. In my junior year of high school I began attending youth group, and by senior year I had accepted Christ. I continued to attend the same church and the same youth group, and I made some new friends who I just loved spending time with.

That summer, I fell into a depression. It started suddenly, when I began to feel worthless for no apparent reason. When my impending departure from my new friends hit me, my depression became worse. I started cutting myself, prefering the physical pain over the emotional pain that wouldn't go away. At one point, I was even considering ending my own life, and I had planned how I would do it. I was going to say goodbye to everyone before I left for Florida; only instead of going to college, I would swallow a bunch of pills and be dead the next morning. Obviously, that didn't happen, and I never even made the attempt.

I told 2 friends about the cutting. One of them, who had been down the same road, showed me Psalm 42:11: "Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again-- my Savior and my God!" (NLT). The other was the one who knocked sense into me and told me to stop, and I did... eventually.

My first semester of college was difficult. I went to Campus Crusade meetings, but I never talked to anyone. While everyone would stay after the meeting to chat, I would escape as soon as I could. By the beginning of my second semester, I had stopped cutting myself, but I was considering taking a year off from school to go home and get back involved in the Christian groups I was used to. I thought by being in familiar territory, it would help my walk with the Lord.

While all of this was happening, I still had my faith in God. If I didn't, you would definitely NOT be reading this. I would either be back in CT on a completely wrong path, or I would be... well, I don't want to talk about the other possibility, but I think you get the point!

Fortunately, God showed me that you can't just find Him in one place - He is everywhere! I went on Big Break and finally got close with people and now I can't even imagine spending extra time at home! I've gotten more involved with Campus Crusade, made tons of awesome friends, and gone on so many different trips - Big Break, Summer Project, etc. - where I have learned all kinds of things that make my walk with the Lord so much better!

I'd be lying if I said I was happy 100% of the time, but whenever I get down now I know that God can lift me up! He has really shown me that He *did* want me to come down here and He has a way cool plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11). Yay God!