Ashley Jenkins
Ashley Jenkins's Story
Approved
How I struggled to find acceptance in the wrong places
Throughout my life, I always felt like I had to be the best at everything I did. From making good grades to trying to be the best in sports, I was always trying to be better than those I was compared to. Call it being competitive, but I think it was more my need to feel loved and accepted. I only felt satisfied when others were telling me I did a good job. If people overlooked me I felt that it was because I wasn't performing good enough at whatever task was at hand.
Because of this, I started to feel pretty insecure about myself. From early in my teenage years through my first years of college, I was always trying to live up to others expectations and be the best at whatever activity came my way. I never felt confident enough in who I was. I only felt confident when I had accomplished something significant or was in a relationship with someone who others admired because of their achievements. This led to me dating a lot of guys who didn't respect me, but because they were showing me attention I stayed in the relationship. Basically, as long as someone was interested in me, I would feel good about myself. However, if people didn't notice me immediately, I found myself going out of my way to impress them or feeling discouraged if they didn't seem to notice me.
The worst part was when I allowed myself to compromise my own standards and become physical in my relationships with guys. Because I needed to feel accepted, I found myself giving more than I wanted to in order to feel loved.
If I had kept on like that I would probably still be struggling with physical relationships with guys and could have possibly married a guy who was not right for me at all. I would have also drained every relationship I had because I was continually trying to get my needs met through others.
I saw God working in the situation when I was in the midst of a pretty physical relationship with a guy. I started meeting with a lady who really cared about me and accepted me not being the best. She was so easy to talk to and I didn't feel like she was judging me when I shared the bad things I had done with her. She helped me to understand that God loved me despite the fact that I had not lived a perfect life or that I was not the best at everything. I started to see that I didn't have to be perfect all the time in order to accept myself. In fact, God loved me just the way I was, flaws and all.
Since I started realizing that God loved me for who I was and not for my actions, my life really started to take on a different meaning. I realized I didn't have to compromise my standards in relationships in order to feel loved and I also learned that who I am is not based on how other people see me. I can identify myself with who the Bible says I am now because I am Christ's child. I can see myself as righteous in his eyes whether I have it all together in this life or not. Because the Holy Spirit now lives inside me, I have the power to please God without being the best at everything.
So now I've really started identifying myself with Christ and have a much deeper understanding of who He says I am. I still struggle with trying to please others, but I am learning that when I live up to others expectations, I never feel satisfied for long anyway. So, I am now trying to live for God and his desires for my life and have found that I have a true joy that I never had when I was trying to get my needs met by my performance.